Tired of being a fighter...

  I didn't grow up with a role model in relationships.  My mother was a single mother and all three of us girls never really had a father in our lives.  My dad was around here and there in the beginning, but once I got pregnant...he vanished.  That situation is a whole different story.  This is about me being a wife.  Or should I say trying to be.  

  I was lucky to meet Jed early in life...19 years old to be exact.  He pretty much saved me.  I was a teen mom struggling with wanting to have that perfect man and father for my kids.  I had trust issues...thank you to my ex's.  I went through a few bad seeds and with each one a new layer of steel slowly covered my heart.  Jed has only seen me cry a handful of times and for being married to him for 11 years...that's not much.  I try to be strong and I keep my guard up at all times.  Afraid that if I let  him see me weak and vulnerable he will do what the rest of the guys did...hurt me.  

  YES I know...you would think that BY NOW I would get that he is in it for the long haul and that he loves me and would never hurt me...for some reason...I'm still too scared.  He deserves better.  He deserves a wife that will let him be the rock.  Don't get me wrong this is very emotionally draining for me too.  Have you ever just wanted to ugly cry and held it in?  It hurts...and SUCKS!  

  Everyday I am so grateful for the man I married and seriously ask myself how he has dealt with my tough exterior for so long.  I don't think he knows how bad I just want to let go...be so vulnerable and have my heart be freed!  I just don't know how.  

  I guess I will just have to take a leap of faith and trust he will be there to catch me.  Just shed the armor and hope he protects my fragile heart.  

  I'm just so tired of being a fighter!