1,000!

I've hit 1,000 page views on my blog!  Neat-o!  Thanks to all of you who read my ramblings :)  

The end!

So grateful...

  I know it's not Thanksgiving...not even November yet, but I feel I need to say a few things I am SO grateful for.  It's never a bad time to let the ones you love know you love them.

  I am so grateful for my Momma!  For bringing me into this big crazy world.  For doing the best she could as a single mom.  For being there for me whenever I need her.  For always having advice when I have a big or little problem.  For not forcing me to be someone I am not, but instead guiding me along the way as I chose my own path. Whether she agreed with it or not.  I love you Mom!

  I am grateful for the time I did get with my Dad before he passed.  He wasn't the best father, but he was MINE and he tried the best he could to help raise me.  He is where I got my goofy and ditzy side from.  I am grateful for how much he TRULY loved me even if he didn't always know how to show it.  I miss him EVERYDAY!

  I am grateful for my sisters!  They are as opposite as they come, but I love them SO much!  My youngest sis has been through a lot and caused me a lot of heartache.  We have cut ties on many occasions and as much as I have hated it each time it WAS for the best.  I am grateful however that she has now been sober for 1 year!  We now can slowly mend our broken relationship and I am grateful for that.  I love you Jay-Joy!  My Sissy and I were not always around each other and also had a strained relationship.  Now I wouldn't change a single thing about our bond!  She is the person in my family I am closest to.  She has supported me 100% in everything.  She is always just a phone call away and is my best friend!  She means so much to me!  I love you Sissy!!

  Without my husband I don't know what I would do.  He picked me up off the ground and saved me.  I was so lost until I found him.  He is the most AMAZING man I could EVER ask for!  I never thought I would find such a wonderful husband and I can't even begin to say how great of a father he is to our kids!  I am beyond grateful for the man I married!

  My kids keep me breathing everyday!   They are the reason my heart beats!  They make me smile, cry and they make me so proud to be their mom.  They keep me alive!  They are all 3 so different and with them everything that makes life so hard seems worth it.  Gage, Amya and Ashton...you mean the WORLD to me!

  I am SO grateful for all my TRUE friends!  I don't need to name you...you all know who you are.  You have been there in so many troubling times.  So many happy times as well.  Always there to lend an ear or a smile if I need it.  It's really not about quantity when it comes to friends...it is all about quality...and I have some pretty darn FANTASTICAL friends!  I love you all!

  I am also grateful for the family that I do have there for me.  The family that has not let petty things guide them to the dark side of hate.  The ones who are not judgmental and love me for who I am.  Whether we are blood relatives or not thank you for being there for me!  You are family because you love me and mine regardless of mistakes, or decisions you disagree with.  You love me and mine for who we are!

  I am grateful...for so many people and things in life that I just had to let you know how important you are to me!  I love you all!  Thank you for being YOU!

Do opposites really attract?

  Well...that's what they say.  Jed and I are as opposite as they come!

  Let's see here...Jed loves technology and anything that has a dang apple picture on it.  Me...as long as it is pretty and shiny or glitters I am happy.  I am addicted to trashy reality tv.  Jed...anything that is about how to become rich or how people have become rich he's watching it.  Our taste in music is so opposite!  He listens to the type of music you can't understand a word they are SCREAMING!!  I on the other hand...NOT AT ALL!  Lol.  Movies?  I love horror and romance...Jed, action!  We can agree on comedy :)  

  He likes spicy food and is picky on textures. I love flavorful un-spicy...if that's even a word...food and texture is not an issue for me.  Makes it difficult for cooking meals.  

  He wants to golf while I want to shop.  He doesn't dance or sing...two of my favorite things.  I don't make stop motion videos or play video games...some of his faves!  I roll my eyes at videos he watches...like right now...he is watching a video of some huge-chain-of-gadgets-that-end-in-some-lame-turning-the-tv-on thing.  Lol.  He rolls his eyes when act gangster...I am pretty sure that is only because he is jealous he is not gangster like me.  :)

  I pretty much am the most hilarious person alive...and like to exaggerate...see what I did there?  He...well he tries to be funny.  He is pretty much the smartest person I know...me...well do "street" smarts count?  I am pretty much not smart!  Hahaha!

  I guess what really matters though is if we agree on the important stuff like we love each other, our kids and our doggies!  So...do opposites attract?  I would say so.  We have done pretty good for 11 years and we don't try to change the other one...meaning we are happy we are opposites and don't like all the same things.  

  After all...that would just be plain BORING! 

  

The Haunted World...

  Aka..."The Place I Pee My Pants and Cry My Eyes Out!"  Ok...so YES I love Halloween, scary movies, watching Jed play scary games...but ACTUALLY being in it?  NO! 

   I went to a cheesy haunted house a couple years ago and what happened?  Well, I held onto Jocelyn's back with my head buried into her screaming nonstop and not looking up!  LOL!  That was a small quick little tour of horror.  This one on the other hand...

  It take almost an hour to get through and it's a few different scary freaky places to try to survive! I don't think I can make it!  Not to mention my FEAR of clowns!  Hearing other peoples stories of this wretched place there is a scary @$$ clown that will follow/chase you.  Yea...that is NOT ok!  

  So...needless to say I am SCARED to death to go to this horrible place, but if the family wants to go and scare the crap out of them selves...I guess I have to suck it up and pee myself!  Lol.  

  Wish me luck that I survive!  :)

Beam Me Up...

The month of October is a difficult one for me.  It is the anniversary month of my father's passing.  Even though I think about him everyday this month seems to be harder on me.  It brings back the phone call from my Aunt and hearing the words, "Brandy, your dad passed away this morning."  It was the worst phone call ever!  

I remember I had never cried so hard in my life.  It was the first time I think I truly felt my heart break.  Some may not believe in "feeling" the presence of a loved one who has passed...but since he has gone, I have finally felt the feeling.  I remember the day I gave Jed my father's wedding ring.  We were sitting on the couch and as he put it on I felt this light breeze on my arm.  I looked up thinking to myself, "I thought I turned that fan off!"  Sure enough...it was off and no window open.  It was him.  After receiving my inheritance from him Jed, the kids and I were out running errands and we stopped at the store.  Jed said to me, "I will be right back...I need to do something."  Do not ask me why but I thought to myself, "He is going to buy me flowers and say they are from my Dad."  What did he walk out with?  A bunch of beautiful flowers and a card from "My Dad"!  There are moments like this when I know it is not just coincidence.  He has to be there with me.

This last week was the next time I felt he had to be with me.  Jed bought me the new Pink cd when it came out a couple weeks ago.  I had listened to all the songs many times.  For some odd reason there was one song I would ALWAYS skip.  I have NO idea why.  Until the other day when I was driving all by myself.  I thought, "Just let it play"  So I did.  I bawled the whole way home.  Here is the song I know he made me listen to:

BEAM ME UP

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on

In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

  Now tell me that wasn't a sign!  I love you Dad and you will forever be in thoughts...daily!  I know you are with me and I hope you are proud of the woman I have become.  Love, Your Sweetheart!

Bullies...

  SUCK!!!  It is October and that means bully awareness month.  This really touches home with me because I have watched my oldest be bullied to the point of them getting physical with him.  He is a strong boy and thankfully has not unleashed on them.  He has held his breath and kept his fists to his self.  

  Growing up we all have at least one bully.  One kid who makes it their goal for the year to torment you and bring you down and they hope they can break you.  Sadly so many kids can't handle the pressure and start to self harm or even attempt to end their own lives...some succeeding. 

   I too had bullies...I was not a rich popular girl.  I was heavier and didn't have all the "cool" things.  I tried to hold it in and keep a smile on my face while the kids did their best to break me.  I hate to say it, but they won...well almost.  Yes I attempted to end my own life.  One morning before school I took a huge handful of pills and washed them down with a glass of water.  As the day went on I started to feel sicker and sicker until I had to run to the restroom and...yes let it out.  I couldn't hear any of what the teachers were saying and I passed out.  When I woke up...unfortunately at that time that was the last thing I wanted...to wake up, but when I did I was on the couch in the teacher's lounge.  My mom came to get me and I spent the next few days at home.  Here's where it gets even better...

  When I finally did return to school...nervous that everyone knew what happened...they started in AGAIN.  Only now...I was the aspirin lover.  I tried to kill myself and they thought it was something to TEASE me about!  WOW!  Kids are vicious!  Looking back I am so happy I survived.  I see some of my "bullies" now and think...seriously?  Karma slapped you hard!  Lol.  I am happy and have a wonderful family and life that almost didn't happen due to them.  

  I can only hope that as the years go on we can prevent this.  Teach your kids that being a bully is WEAK...it does not make you STRONG it makes you DUMB!  You look stupid and the only reason ANYONE bullies is because they are not happy with themselves!  True!  Teach your kids to stand up for anyone being bullied...stand their ground and help someone in trouble.  I guarantee the more our kids learn to stand up for themselves the more they will push the bullies out.  

  No child should EVER have to go through being treated so horribly by another child and my message to the "Cool Kids/Bullies" think about if someone was doing what you are doing to one of your siblings...or when you have kids...how would you like it?  

  Bullies...grow up!

Hello chilly mornings...

  I love you!  Fall is my favorite...chilly mornings and cool days.  Nights where you have to lounge in pj pants, hoodies and slippers.  Using the BIG comforters that have been stored away all summer.  

  Watching the leaves change colors and fall gracefully from the trees.  People stop mowing the lawns and begin raking leaves into piles for kids...and adults :)...to jump in.  Pumpkins start to appear on porches.  

  This is when my crock pot comes out of hiding...it's on as I write this...cooking my yummy pot roast with carrots, onions, celery and red potatoes!  Mmmm.  It smells delish!  Dinners start to consist of soups and casseroles.  

  Hello cute sweaters and scarves. Boots and coats.  It is a wonderful time of year and it's the introduction to the holiday season quickly approaching! 

  Good bye blistering hot days...hello chilly mornings! 

Homemaker...IS that a REAL job?

  I know I am NOT the only homemaker/housewife/stay at home mom...however you put it it's all the same...that feels like maybe it's not a real job.

  There are plenty of things I wish I would have done different in life: Finished high school, waited to have kids, gone to college, found a career I truly loved ect.  Seeing as I took the complete opposite road I feel I don't really have many talents and dreams...nope just to raise my kids to be successful adults and do everything different than I did.  I became a mom WAY too early and got married early as well.  I have worked many different jobs...retail, babysitting, housecleaning ,have been a barista...but to be honest...none of them felt as rewarding as what I do now.

  I am many things all rolled into one.  Maid, cook, event planner, accountant, nurse, chauffeur, personal shopper...so many things.  I love knowing that if one of the kids is sick I am always here for them.  They can count on coming home and having someone to welcome them.  Anytime they need something I am able to pick it up.  There were so many times growing up I wished I had that.  Who knows maybe my life would have ended up different had I had that.

 I always make sure groceries are bought, bills are paid, laundry is done, house is clean, animals are cared for.  My calendar is always filled with when things are due, appts, school events, birthdays, days off of school ect.  

  So for those of you that think being a homemaker/housewife/stay at home mom is NOT a real job...think again.  I may not have a 9-5 schedule...that's because I have a 24 hour schedule.  Actually I like to call myself a Domestic Goddess.  :) 

Homemaker...it IS a REAL job! 
  

On a lighter note...

  I am truly grateful for all the people in my life who REALLY know me and well...still love me. Lol!   I am so lucky to have so many wonderful friends/family who stand by me 100% and I can count on to always be there for me.  No matter how bad life gets I always have you guys to lift my spirit!  

  We may not talk everyday/week or even month, but I know if I need you...you are there!  I am here for all of you as well and I hope you all know this.  Whether just to lend an ear or to kick the living crap outta someone for you...(ok you all know I am a baby) I got your back!

  So, thank you to everyone who has ever gotten the chance to know me...the REAL me and loves me still!  You are what keeps me going...know I am so blessed with such wonderful friendships :)

  I love you all! 

Never had a chance...

  So basically I am tired of keeping this in and even though this may make some people unhappy/uncomfortable/angry...I don't care.  Why?  Because not ONCE have MY feelings been taken into consideration!

  11 years ago I met my soul mate.  We were young...yes.  I had two kids...yes.  He took them in as his own and we fell for each other and we were happy.  Then...I met his mom! 

  I never had a chance with that woman.  I am a caring, loving, sweet, honest woman.  She only saw a single teen mom wanting a father for her kids.  Our first meeting was cold and I will never forget how she introduced herself to me, "Hi I'm Rhonda...well Mrs. Steen to YOU!"  Oh wow ok!  Let's just say the "meeting" ended with me in tears walking out.  Not a very good first meeting the parents.  Lol!

  When they saw Jed wasn't going to just leave me and that he was sticking around she became faker than silicone boobies!  She has said things and judged me for 11 years.  In the beginning I was a bigger girl...we all know this.  One lil piece of advice she gave her son was that bigger girls have more medical bills.  Yes...she said, "Don't you think she is a bit big?  Bigger people have more medical bills."  Wow.  She has judged me for having tattoos, saying trashy people have tattoos.  Sorry honey...I am far from trashy. The only time she has EVER said she loved me was followed by, "As my son's wife." 

   I have held my tongue for Jed's sake.  But now I am DONE!  After the last conversation Jed had with her and her telling him that she thinks he would have been a better man without me!  Please!  

  Yes...in the 11 years we have been married there have been hard times, bad times...we have both messed up and I take full responsibility for my wrong doings.  Jed also has taken responsibility for his.  That is between US...she only wants to focus on my mistakes and she doesn't know the HALF of it...why?  Because she has NEVER given me a chance!

  Birthdays have passed, hospital stays have passed ect. without hearing from her.  She to me has no heart and if she does...it's frozen!  

  To me it is SO sad that my ex's mother cares about me and contacts me on holidays and during trying times.  Birgit tells Jed and I how proud she is of us.  How we are wonderful parents and how much she loves and cares about BOTH of us!  That is a woman with a heart!   Sadly I have never heard anything like this from my mother-in-law because my mother-in-law could care less.  

  I have held my thoughts in, let her treat me like shit, done nothing but smile and take it.  11 years now...I am sticking up for ME!  I am done being treated poorly by this woman and I don't deserve it!  I am not being true to me if I don't stand up for myself!.  I don't need her.  Sadly what I don't think SHE realizes is it hurts Jed.  Jed should never have to choose between his mother and wife, but she has gone too far and now he has distanced himself from her.  I feel so bad for him and I love him so much that it just makes me dislike her even more.

  I have said the whole, "Maybe someday she will come around." But seriously?  11 freaking years?  No.  She won't.  That was freeing...getting that all off my chest.  

  Never had a chance...and never will.

Tired of being a fighter...

  I didn't grow up with a role model in relationships.  My mother was a single mother and all three of us girls never really had a father in our lives.  My dad was around here and there in the beginning, but once I got pregnant...he vanished.  That situation is a whole different story.  This is about me being a wife.  Or should I say trying to be.  

  I was lucky to meet Jed early in life...19 years old to be exact.  He pretty much saved me.  I was a teen mom struggling with wanting to have that perfect man and father for my kids.  I had trust issues...thank you to my ex's.  I went through a few bad seeds and with each one a new layer of steel slowly covered my heart.  Jed has only seen me cry a handful of times and for being married to him for 11 years...that's not much.  I try to be strong and I keep my guard up at all times.  Afraid that if I let  him see me weak and vulnerable he will do what the rest of the guys did...hurt me.  

  YES I know...you would think that BY NOW I would get that he is in it for the long haul and that he loves me and would never hurt me...for some reason...I'm still too scared.  He deserves better.  He deserves a wife that will let him be the rock.  Don't get me wrong this is very emotionally draining for me too.  Have you ever just wanted to ugly cry and held it in?  It hurts...and SUCKS!  

  Everyday I am so grateful for the man I married and seriously ask myself how he has dealt with my tough exterior for so long.  I don't think he knows how bad I just want to let go...be so vulnerable and have my heart be freed!  I just don't know how.  

  I guess I will just have to take a leap of faith and trust he will be there to catch me.  Just shed the armor and hope he protects my fragile heart.  

  I'm just so tired of being a fighter!